Patti is trying to finish chapter eight right now, so this week’s “Note from the Blanket Fort” is brought to you by guest blogger and professional dog, Gavin.
– For those of you who don’t know, a “cottage” is a little tiny house by the water, where humans sometimes go for a “vacation” or to “get away from it all,” which is a bit ironic, because the morning that you leave for the “cottage” they seem to put everything they own into their cars so I’m not sure what they think they’re getting away from. Make sure to vomit bile once or twice as they’re packing, just to let them know you’ve noticed that a car trip is imminent.
– It’s important to pack well – depending on the length of your stay at the “cottage,” you’re going to want a selection of treats and stuffed friends to bring with you. Tell the stuffed friends that you’re leaving behind that you still love them and will see them again soon.
– As soon as you arrive at the “cottage,” let the dogs next door know that you have moved in. It is very important to get off on the right paw, as it were, and let them know who’s the boss. I recommend peeing as much as you can along the perimeter of the “cottage” property (if possible, try to over hydrate on the drive there.) Also, for the first few days, bark at the neighbour dogs at every opportunity. Never let them get the last word. Especially that big poodle.
– There will be a lot of car rides to and from town for walks, errands and groceries. You might be tempted to nap on these rides, but make sure to be up and ready to flirt with the young lady at the Tim Horton’s drive thru window because they sometimes have dog treats to give out. If you really pull out all the cuteness stops, they might even offer you a Timbit. Eye contact is crucial here.
– When sitting on the deck at the “cottage,” it’s important to divide your time between the sun and the shade. You will know when it’s time to switch to the shade because you will start to pant. Try to take a really circuitous route to the shade and an equally complex route back again to the sun so as to maximize the chances of wrapping your lead around every chair on the deck.
– When your humans leave you to go paddling in their floaty boats, get to the highest spot you can (say, the back of the armchair or on top of the the kitchen table) so that you can see them out the front window. Watch them carefully as they paddle out of sight – but don’t worry, if you stay right there and stare at the place where they disappeared, eventually you can make them reappear. When they do, greet them enthusiastically – bark to announce their arrival and really lay on some heavy wags.
– If, during your time at the “cottage” they leave you at their “mother’s house” to “go out for dinner,” remember that you are responsible for the whole street now! Find an upstairs window with a good vantage point so that you can bark at all passersby. Pick a window with good acoustics if you can.
– Remember that it’s never too hot for a snuggle. If your human says, “Jesus, Gavin, it’s 37 degrees!” stretch out a little more for maximum fur to skin coverage.
– DO NOT let them put you in the water! You will dissolve! Or possibly be eaten by fish! The water is bad and very dangerous! Trust me on this.
– If the local dogs you meet on your walks have strange accents, try wagging or making some play moves. When in doubt, just sniff their bits and move on.
– If your human is having a “working holiday,” listen for subtle signs of stress (e.g. “Oh my God, I think chapter eight is going to kill me…”) Be ready to distract them with a toy or a particularly cute expression. If that doesn’t work, try throwing up bile on the carpet. That always gets their attention.
– You are going to meet a lot of new people. They are all going to want to pet you. Let them – you never know who might have a treat.
– Try to make the most of your time at the “cottage.” Before you know it, you’ll be back to the daily grind of city life – walks at the park, naps on the couch and belly rubs from the nice lady down the block.
G.
P.S. Coming soon: Gavin’s Guide to Repairmen: Who to Bite and Who to Let In